Last night I faced death. I said farewell in her dead bed to the amazing woman who mothered me like no other. Without being my biological mother, she taught me some of the most fundamental things in life.
Her passing is moving me deeply.
Is it a coincidence that today is my 49 birthday? One day after talking to her I'm one year younger than half a century.
I cannot stop thinking about life and death. What is life? What is death? Why should we care? Why should you care? Why should you keep reading this?
On Sunday I did a long Breathwork session. (At that time I didn’t know anything about my surrogate mom’s health) Breathwork is a method of breath control that is meant to give rise to altered states of consciousness and to have an effect on physical and mental well-being.
Air in. Air out. What does that mean?
While I was breathing in and out, I kept thinking about life and death. When my lungs were empty, you could argue that I was experiencing some kind of death. It compared very much to my near death experience when I was 14. Yes, at that age I temporarily died.
I can tell you this was the most gorgeous experience ever. I vividly remember leaving my body with ease. I didn’t feel attachment to it, nor a desire to let go of it. I just started floating out of my body. The view and the sensation was unforgettable. I could see myself lying on my bed. There was no judgment, no fear, no pain. This was precisely what I felt during the Breathwork when my lungs were empty. There was a sense of familiarity. I felt in a known and safe place.
Then when my lungs were full, I relived another part of that experience. This was when I went to the light. At the beginning there was discomfort. I didn’t know how to just be there. Then a thought kept repeating: “get comfortable with abundance”.
Yes, when the air was in I felt dead and when the air was out I felt dead. The message I got was that : Life happens in the transition from one to the other realm.
I was overwhelmed by the mystery of this. Many ideas came to my mind.
- I remembered how I’ve also died in other occasions in my life. For example when I left the corporate world or when I become a mother. Yes, I died in the sense of I was no longer who I was before. My life, my body, my whole being were radically renewed.
- I reflected on the polarities of life: chaos and order. We are death in either of them. In chaos we perish as there’s nothing to hold on. Order doesn’t give us life either. Without any challenge we become weak and bored.
- Einstein came to my mind: Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must be moving.
- I thought of the true power of women. We are the ones who carry and birth other humans. (mini rant: hate to think of them as babies, is like belittling them. They are divine complete humans) Ancestrally we were the only ones who were the midwifes. We also were the ones who took care of the dead bodies before burial. I felt a deep knowing that this is the true power of women: be the masters of the veil between life and death.
During this experience, I was called to write about it. Honestly I’m terrified about this request. It feels to me like what Jonas felt when asked to deliver a highly unpopular message.
We don’t like to talk about darkness, shadow, death. They are all taboo themes. We want to live in the limelight. It’s all about being happy, superficially happy. Entertainment is the name of the game. To talk about meaning, pain, death is a no no.
Carl Jung says it much better than I can,
One doesn't become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious
Looking into your own shadow will give you a strength that you never imagine you had. It will awake the best and most human version of yourself.
I feel that this is even more true for women. We need to reconnect with the true meaning of the darkness: where a child in conceived, where a child is breastfed, where someone dies. We need to give a new meaning to intimacy.
You know, if there’s something that my surrogate mom thought me was to dare to speak about what no one dares. So, I took the challenge and I wrote these lines. I hope they empower you to look into the thing that you least want to see. I hope you dare to look into the shadow to find (to make conscious) why you,
- stay in a job/relationship that doesn't make you happy
- don’t charge what you are worth
- compare yourself with other women
- sabotage your best work
- work harder, harder and harder
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Back to you
Have you experienced the darkness in live? What kind of gold have you found?
Feel free to share your experience in the comments below. You are in a safe place. Remember your words might be the wisdom others are needing.
Thank you very much for reading this long and difficult post. If you know of someone who could benefit from this lines, please do share it. Thank you in advance.