April 26

Stop Fitting In, It Insults Your Soul And It Can Literally Kill You

4  comments

Rejection and judgment are not only toxic, but could be indeed lethal. Fitting in kills creativity and what’s life without creativity!

The other day in the playground, I got a magnificent (but painful) insight in in life. My son and another boy were playing with blocks of different sizes, shapes and colors. My son (2 year old) created all kind of combinations: red with blue, round with square, big with small. It was not a problem for him. All fit together. No problem. He was just playing. There was no judgment. His companion was of a different opinion. He said: It doesn’t fit.

A volcanic explosion of emotions overwhelmed me! I was immensely sad to see that the creativity of that 4 year old child was already killed by our socialization, by our “should’s”, by our judgments of what’s good and what’s wrong. I was furious to see how my son was though what he “should” do: blue with blue, round with round, big with big. I was devastated to see the end of possibilities, the genesis of judgment and compliance.

I tell you, I didn’t sleep that night. All kind of thoughts and emotions visited me,

  • How should the education system change to allow creativity to foster the growth and bloom of humanity
  • How to protect my children from dogmatic views about life
  • How could adults be free from this prison

Do you see what I was doing? I was in the world of blame, in the world of victimhood, in the world of disempowerment. No wonder I couldn’t sleep! It was all about “them”: the government, schools and the comfortably anonymous “they”.

The penny dropped! I did realize what I was doing. So, I turned back to my own story and asked myself in which way “not fitting in” had to do with me. Wow! Pandora box got open. I realized that many many of my life decisions I took them because I did not feel that I fitted in. I was that block that didn’t fit in. I should have been blue, or square, or big.

  • I didn’t fit in my family, my body, my gender, my country…
  • My qualities, my dreams, my desires, my past didn’t fit in
  • I was too fat and ugly, so I took the road towards anorexia. At age 14 I had what they call a near death experience. Yes, I literally died
  • I was too private and weird, so I bought a one way ticket away from Mexico
  • I was too nerdy and geeky, so I chose to keep quiet on what I knew
  • My dreams were impossible, so I chose to suppress them, to forget about them, never talk about them

I judged myself not good enough. I rejected myself, my ideas, my contribution, my unlikely combination of “blocks”. Yes, I did it. Not them. Not the anonymous them. It’s not their fault. I made personal vows that build a long code of honor:

  • I will never be a needy weak pink girly (I’m strong)
  • I will never be more successful than any member of my family (I’m loyal)
  • ÂI will never be part of the oppressors, the conquerors, the successful, the top of the pyramid (they are bad)

“Your wish is my command”: said the Universe,

  • As I didn’t allow myself to be fragile, to be feminine, to connect with my needs (physical, emotional, material…), I ended up alone and empty. My conclusion that I was not worthy of anything was honored. I did not have: love, money, help…
  • My loyalty to my tribe not only has repelled money, but sabotaged infinite number of soul projects
  • My rejection of successful people has had the same effect

As you know, I have changed it around. Now I’m living my best life yet. Great intimate relations: husband, children, mother, father, friends! Great projects: legacy and personal mastery oriented. So, how? How did I pass from a judgmental, dogmatic, lonely woman to who I am now?

The answer is simple yet profound: self compassion. Self compassion is achieved when we look at ourselves with Divine Eyes. When we see ourselves how the Divine would see us: with infinite appreciation. Just perfect. For the sake of simplicity, let’s divide the Divine perspective in 3 perspectives,

1. Contradictions
Remember the blocks of the beginning of the story? Well this is the time to find yours. Some of mine are,

  • Coming from a lineage of Aztec female healers and holding an MBA
  • Being a woman and not being able to multi-task
  • Loving public speaking and needing loads of “me” time

Do you get the drift? List it all: the color of your eyes, where you went to school, what you like to eat… Nothing is off limits. See how it all creates unique picture that is indeed perfect for your contribution to the big scheme of things. Those çontradictions are a concert, are music, are art, are beauty.

You are just perfect, just like the Divine sees you.

2. Reasons for rejection
Reason for rejection are typically combined with the word “should”. Of course this is not necessary. They can appear as simple descriptions: woman, young, old, gay, etc. They can also be found as scientific labels: bipolar, depressed, ADHD, dyslexic, etc.

I got so many reasons to be rejected, to reject myself. For its visual effect, I share with you the main reason why I saw myself ugly and fat. This is: “I should have a waist”. You cannot imagine how painful this was for me. I bought all kind of @@@%$%# to try to get a waist. Did I ever get one? No!

One good day I accepted that whether fat or thin, I will never have a waist AND that was perfect. That day I threw to trash all belts, corsets, and useless instruments of (physical and emotional) torture. As a consequence I effortlessly lost 25 kilos AND I’ve never felt better about my body.

What’s your “waist”? I should be public speaker, I should have more FB/twitter followers, I should have a business plan, I should be… , woman, young, old, gay, bipolar, depressed, ADHD, dyslexic, etc.

What’s your “belt”? That public speaking course, that social media addiction, that desire of certainty and predictability, those self-help books, those pills/diets/creams…

Accept yourself, your situation, exactly how it is. Making peace with the “worst” of what-is is liberating and empowering. Embrace your reason of rejection, accept it, let it be, don’t try to change it/heal it/suppress it. Let it be and start paying attention to what you do want, love, dream: what you deserve.

You are just perfect, just like the Divine sees you.

3. Your past
I’ve been a terrible person in the past, in this and in many past lives. I have profoundly rejected what I’ve done. I have rejected who I’ve been. That rejection has always brought me to another extreme (and negative) choice.

The solution once again is appreciation, is compassion. Make a map of your journey. Make a list of the moments when you have been the worst self that you judge now: selfish, liar, killer… Remember what happened. Rewrite the story. Ask yourself: what did this experience lead me to do? who did this experience lead me to become? Is it time to forgive myself? is it time to be more compassionate for who I was? is it time to let go of my judgments?

If that is not enough to liberate you, ask yourself, how your “terrible” past has blessed others. Was there anything good in it for other people? Who did they become thanks to you.

You are just perfect, just like the Divine sees you.

++++++++++++++++

With all my gratitude to Laure Capelle, Bertil Schaart and Carina van der Kloet

Are you also a misfit? Share your views here below! Love and light, B


Tags

creativity, dogma, judgement, self compassion


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  1. Blanca:

    I so resemble this post. I was also the “girl who didn’t fit in but tried to fit in.” As a Black woman who loves music and dance but also loves to use her mind, it was never okay to stand out as the smart girl when I was growing up.

    Like you, it has been a journey of self-compassion, to love and accept myself as the magnificent daughter of the Divine. It’s been a wonderful journey and the amazing part is that I’ve learned that I get to create the life that I want.

    When I was in victim mode, I thought that things were done to me. However, I now realize that I created the challenges that I experienced so far by the feelings/thoughts that I held thus far. I now can create the life of my desire with ease by holding feelings and thought that attract what I desire.

    We get to choose. We can create our magnificent life by staying in the place of positive thoughts and feelings. We are so blessed!

    Thanks so much for sharing this gift with the world.

    Blessings,

    Andrea

    1. Fellow “misfit”!
      So blessed to read you! Indeed, we have the power to chose. Chosing from the heart will make our choices balanced and fair. Chosing with love and compassion will change our inner and outer game.

      Have a blessed week,

      Blanca

  2. Greeting Blanca!
    I was always the shy person in high school. Afraid of what was or could be. It always held me back and I wish I would have known what I know now. Hindsight being 20/20 and all. I have come to accept myself, but I still have that piece of social conditioning in the back of my mind. Always watching and judging everything that I do.

    It’s hard for me to deal with, but the only solution for me thus far has been unacceptable to me, personally. Alcohol and tobacco. It seems to soothe, but it has only made everything worse.

    Finding myself has been a long arduous journey that seems, almost, never ending.
    I have made mistakes, like most people, but it hasn’t stopped me from searching for the real me.

    I also like how you don’t refer to the word “god” but instead the word divine. It isn’t offensive to me, the word “god”, but to me it means oppression and slavery to the word of god.

    So, I want to thank you for your article, before I ramble too much, haha. I have been searching for myself for too long it seems, but everyone is destined for their own path, no matter the length of time it takes.
    Best wishes,
    Michael

    1. I’m so blessed to read your reply! Thanks to you for resonating to this!
      You know? You ARE in your very right path ALL the time. Including now! Including those moments that appear to be mistakes. ALL that happens is just for you, for your growth. See blessings everywhere! Warmest! Blanca

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